This blog is about 2 posts away from devolving into a bona fide cat diary (and I’m not exactly a fan of cats). I’ll be trying to stop barfing banality into the internet tubes, so as a result I’ll probably be posting much less. Hopefully, as quantity goes down, quality (and relevance) may go up? Or, I might just wind up raising the bar so high that I finally fall out of this whole blogging thing. Either way, meh…
This blog is about 2 posts away from devolving into a bona fide cat diary (and I’m not exactly a fan of cats). I’ll be trying to stop barfing banality into the internet tubes, so as a result I’ll probably be posting much less. Hopefully, as quantity goes down, quality (and relevance) may go up? Or, I might just wind up raising the bar so high that I finally fall out of this whole blogging thing. Either way, meh…
It’s been 2 weeks since I started riding my bike to work (and home again). I’m feeling much better, cooling off faster after each rode, and gradually getting faster.
I’ve missed 3 rides (took one day off to hit the mountains, and had a family shindig one evening), but other than that, I’ve been riding full time. I don’t see anything that would make me stop now, except for wet (or white) stuff.
To keep myself motivated, I’ve been keeping a “ride log” here using Drupal’s custom content types, and some custom PHP/MySQL to generate an overview. That’s worked out pretty well from a technical perspective, and helps me to see at a glance how I’m doing.
Now, to put some cash into my bike. Hand grips are cracked and falling off. Gears need adjustment. Some mystery squeek/creak from the frame when I pedal. I’ll need a headlight/taillight soon, as it starts getting darker in the mornings. I really should put a bell on it, especially now that there’s at least a microscopic chance that I might actually pass someone…
It’s been 2 weeks since I started riding my bike to work (and home again). I’m feeling much better, cooling off faster after each rode, and gradually getting faster.
I’ve missed 3 rides (took one day off to hit the mountains, and had a family shindig one evening), but other than that, I’ve been riding full time. I don’t see anything that would make me stop now, except for wet (or white) stuff.
To keep myself motivated, I’ve been keeping a “ride log” here using Drupal’s custom content types, and some custom PHP/MySQL to generate an overview. That’s worked out pretty well from a technical perspective, and helps me to see at a glance how I’m doing.
Now, to put some cash into my bike. Hand grips are cracked and falling off. Gears need adjustment. Some mystery squeek/creak from the frame when I pedal. I’ll need a headlight/taillight soon, as it starts getting darker in the mornings. I really should put a bell on it, especially now that there’s at least a microscopic chance that I might actually pass someone…
My bike has been collecting dust in the garage for almost 2 years. I used to ride all the time – even commuting to the University back when I worked in the Faculty of Nursing. But, I’ve been succesfully avoiding riding it (or doing any other real physical activity, really) for far too long. 2 days of Easter-related binge eating pushed me over the edge, so I pumped up the tires and went for a ride around the community.
I took a somewhat leisurely ride – likely because my bike computer had stopped working in the 2 year stasis hanging in the garage – so I could just enjoy the ride rather than obsessing about metrics. Max. speed this trip? Average speed? Current speed dropping below 20 km/h? I also left the iPod at home so I could enjoy the sounds. That was a great idea for the first half of the ride, following the pathway system to the northwest of my house with birds chirping and creeks/ponds splashing. The latter half of the ride was mostly along streets, so the iPod would have been a Bad Idea™ anyway.
Lacking my bike computer’s micromanagement, I fired up Google Earth after I cooled off to see how far I went. Turns out it’s only about 7.6 km, but not a bad ride. I wound up going for 7.5 km, and only dismounted to go through a fence at one point. That’s a huge accomplishment, given my physical condition and the very hilly nature of the community.
It was a bit odd, as most of the landmarks I used to use in my pre-hiatus Tuscany circumnavigation rides have been obliterated. Fields now full of houses. Dirt paths now paved roads or paths. That last house before the field? Yeah, it’s not a field anymore.
It’s got a pretty good vertical climb, since the community is built on the side of a hill. Going south/west is basically a free ride, north/east is a huff-puff heartbuster.
I’m going to try to do this quasi-regularly. I’d originally intended to take up jogging, but I think biking is better suited to me. For one, I can do it. Less wear and tear, and I enjoy it. If I enjoy it, I’m more likely to do it. I’ll see if that’s still the story in the morning. I bet saddle soreness beats shin splints, though…
My bike has been collecting dust in the garage for almost 2 years. I used to ride all the time – even commuting to the University back when I worked in the Faculty of Nursing. But, I’ve been succesfully avoiding riding it (or doing any other real physical activity, really) for far too long. 2 days of Easter-related binge eating pushed me over the edge, so I pumped up the tires and went for a ride around the community.
I took a somewhat leisurely ride – likely because my bike computer had stopped working in the 2 year stasis hanging in the garage – so I could just enjoy the ride rather than obsessing about metrics. Max. speed this trip? Average speed? Current speed dropping below 20 km/h? I also left the iPod at home so I could enjoy the sounds. That was a great idea for the first half of the ride, following the pathway system to the northwest of my house with birds chirping and creeks/ponds splashing. The latter half of the ride was mostly along streets, so the iPod would have been a Bad Idea™ anyway.
Lacking my bike computer’s micromanagement, I fired up Google Earth after I cooled off to see how far I went. Turns out it’s only about 7.6 km, but not a bad ride. I wound up going for 7.5 km, and only dismounted to go through a fence at one point. That’s a huge accomplishment, given my physical condition and the very hilly nature of the community.
It was a bit odd, as most of the landmarks I used to use in my pre-hiatus Tuscany circumnavigation rides have been obliterated. Fields now full of houses. Dirt paths now paved roads or paths. That last house before the field? Yeah, it’s not a field anymore.
It’s got a pretty good vertical climb, since the community is built on the side of a hill. Going south/west is basically a free ride, north/east is a huff-puff heartbuster.
I’m going to try to do this quasi-regularly. I’d originally intended to take up jogging, but I think biking is better suited to me. For one, I can do it. Less wear and tear, and I enjoy it. If I enjoy it, I’m more likely to do it. I’ll see if that’s still the story in the morning. I bet saddle soreness beats shin splints, though…
WARNING: Rambling, stream-of-consciousness, thinking-out-loud (hopefully not navel-gazing) ahead! Just trying to start framing some thoughts so I can make sense and move on.
WARNING: Rambling, stream-of-consciousness, thinking-out-loud (hopefully not navel-gazing) ahead! Just trying to start framing some thoughts so I can make sense and move on.
It’s one of the weird paradoxes of the last few years for me – I’m much more involved with external (off campus) groups and online communities than I am with local ones. I’m more well-known off-campus than on. I’m more linked to individuals spread around the globe than those at my own institution.
The latest example of this was offered up inadvertently by someone returning from a recent trip abroad, which included a stop in Hong Kong. “D’Arcy, they know you in Hong Kong. They were asking if I know you since we’re both from the U of C.” (ps., howdy Nick!) Turns out I did vaguely know this person (and he knew me mostly because he walked by my “office” that is newly equipped with a nametag – I basically recognized him as having seen him several times, but struggle to put a name to the face), but the point is – I knew exactly who he was talking about, and could list off some cool stuff that Nick is doing. And I’ve never been to Hong Kong.
It seems like I’ve been more involved with projects in BC than in Alberta. In international projects, rather than local.
I’ve been feeling disconnected from the people who are physically around me, because it is so much easier to connect with likeminded individuals around the world – my global online community of practice. What does that say about the nature of communication and relationships?
I’ve also had to spend most of the last year or so on Big Projects – large multinational/multi-institutional endeavors that steer like oil tankers. External timelines, external demands, external users. What I think is needed is more time on smaller, nimble, adaptable projects that will make more of a difference in the trenches. I’m lucky in that I think I’ve been moved/moving in that direction, spending most of the last few months in Drupal and Moodle, thinking about how to integrate them into communities and workflows, rather than building New Applications Just Because Someone Said They Need It.
Stephen’s hiatus (whatever the cause) struck a nerve. I’ve gotten so wrapped up into this online stuff as part of my identity – my sense of self is being partially defined by what I (and others) are doing online. Is that wrong? Is that the way things are moving? It’s a bit disturbing. Why am I so comfortable just hanging everything out here? Is it as simple as some freaky narcisistic tendencies? I never thought I’d use that word wrt to myself, but this apparent need for external validation raises the question.
I’m going to have to put some thought into how to continue this in a more healthy way. Not even sure what that means, but something just doesn’t feel right. Have to track that down first…
This is one of those things that, as a parent, sends an icy shiver down my spine. An unfathomable loss to a young family – their 6-year-old daughter dying suddenly of bacterial meningitis. They’ve taken to blogging as a form of therapy, and/or an expression of love for their recently departed daughter.
I can’t even imagine how much strength it must take to survive such a loss, let alone to work through the grieving process out in the open.
My heart goes out to Daniel and Kim. There’s nothing I can say or do, but I admire how they’re handling the loss of young Elena.
This is one of those things that, as a parent, sends an icy shiver down my spine. An unfathomable loss to a young family – their 6-year-old daughter dying suddenly of bacterial meningitis. They’ve taken to blogging as a form of therapy, and/or an expression of love for their recently departed daughter.
I can’t even imagine how much strength it must take to survive such a loss, let alone to work through the grieving process out in the open.
My heart goes out to Daniel and Kim. There’s nothing I can say or do, but I admire how they’re handling the loss of young Elena.
Had a good flight over the Rocks this am. Too damned early, but them’s the breaks. Took a psycho cab ride from YVR to UBC – cabbie using GPS mapping to find the centre of campus. Went for a quick walk to the lookout point over the rose garden (holy crap is UBC a gorgeous campus…) then headed up to Buchanan C Penthouse to meet up with Brian and Alan for the morning Pachyderm demo session.
The Pachy session went reasonably well – a quick overview of the software, and some demos of some published content (Mavericks, MSoMA, Education ePortfolio prototype, etc…). Some really good questions from the ~12 people in the audience.
Then a quick walk back to the rose garden, and on to the Studio for the Social Software Salon. Brian and Jason recorded the whole session, which turned into essentially a freefrom roundtable discussion of social software as it relates to education, and vice versa. Gardner Campbell Skyped in, and the whole conversation was really interesting. Jason and Brian will be releasing nuggets of the 3-hour recording as smaller podcasts. Hope that turned out OK.
Hanging out at Casa Del Lamb – great food, great conversation, and Brian makes one mean Manhattan.
I’ll be posting what few pics I took – Alan has his XT here, so I’m feeling like I can chill out and let his Big Gun take care of the photo-documentary…
Had a good flight over the Rocks this am. Too damned early, but them’s the breaks. Took a psycho cab ride from YVR to UBC – cabbie using GPS mapping to find the centre of campus. Went for a quick walk to the lookout point over the rose garden (holy crap is UBC a gorgeous campus…) then headed up to Buchanan C Penthouse to meet up with Brian and Alan for the morning Pachyderm demo session.
The Pachy session went reasonably well – a quick overview of the software, and some demos of some published content (Mavericks, MSoMA, Education ePortfolio prototype, etc…). Some really good questions from the ~12 people in the audience.
Then a quick walk back to the rose garden, and on to the Studio for the Social Software Salon. Brian and Jason recorded the whole session, which turned into essentially a freefrom roundtable discussion of social software as it relates to education, and vice versa. Gardner Campbell Skyped in, and the whole conversation was really interesting. Jason and Brian will be releasing nuggets of the 3-hour recording as smaller podcasts. Hope that turned out OK.
Hanging out at Casa Del Lamb – great food, great conversation, and Brian makes one mean Manhattan.
I’ll be posting what few pics I took – Alan has his XT here, so I’m feeling like I can chill out and let his Big Gun take care of the photo-documentary…
We were wandering around a mall this afternoon, and while Janice was looking in some foo-foo shop, Evan and I ducked into Black’s Photography. The camera dude sees us enter the store, and asks if I have any questions. I ask about the XT, what bundles they have, specials, etc…
Then, he pulls out the little key, and pulls an XT down from the display. “Here, try it out…” he says, knowingly.
It feels sooooo….. niiiiiice….
“Go ahead. Take some shots.”
click click
It’s fast. The controls are great. Zooming by spinning the ring. Instant response. It just feels so… right.
“Flip it into Sport mode and see how you like burst firing mode.”
clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
About 4 seconds and 20 shots later. Holy freaking Jebus. My Fujifilm takes 2-4 seconds per shot. And this is cranking out shots at around 4+ fps.
I’m subconsciously reaching for my wallet. There’s room on my plastic for this…
And then Janice pops into the store. I feel the whooshing sensation of rationality returning. I slowly put the camera back on the counter and turn to walk out of the store. The camera dude smiles. This scene gets played out fairly often, I’m guessing.
Now, to save my pennies. Lunch money for a year? The XT will be mine. For now, I’ll have to learn to make my little Fujifilm point-and-shoot dance a little better. It’s a pretty decent camera, especially now that I know it (and its limitations) pretty well. But it ain’t no XT 😉
We were wandering around a mall this afternoon, and while Janice was looking in some foo-foo shop, Evan and I ducked into Black’s Photography. The camera dude sees us enter the store, and asks if I have any questions. I ask about the XT, what bundles they have, specials, etc…
Then, he pulls out the little key, and pulls an XT down from the display. “Here, try it out…” he says, knowingly.
It feels sooooo….. niiiiiice….
“Go ahead. Take some shots.”
click click
It’s fast. The controls are great. Zooming by spinning the ring. Instant response. It just feels so… right.
“Flip it into Sport mode and see how you like burst firing mode.”
clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
About 4 seconds and 20 shots later. Holy freaking Jebus. My Fujifilm takes 2-4 seconds per shot. And this is cranking out shots at around 4+ fps.
I’m subconsciously reaching for my wallet. There’s room on my plastic for this…
And then Janice pops into the store. I feel the whooshing sensation of rationality returning. I slowly put the camera back on the counter and turn to walk out of the store. The camera dude smiles. This scene gets played out fairly often, I’m guessing.
Now, to save my pennies. Lunch money for a year? The XT will be mine. For now, I’ll have to learn to make my little Fujifilm point-and-shoot dance a little better. It’s a pretty decent camera, especially now that I know it (and its limitations) pretty well. But it ain’t no XT 😉
I just realized that I never provided a “final” update for the little “unplugging at home” experiment/bet – where Janice dared me to go a month without being online at home.
Well, it actually went pretty well. Overall, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be – initially, it was quite hard (withdrawal, shakes, bugs beneath my skin – well, no bugs, but you get the point) and then it was just… gone.
I did slip. Twice. When I was trying to do a bit of work from home. I finished up, and thought “hey, while I’ve got the laptop fired up, I’ll just check my email. And maybe just a few feeds. And maybe Flickr. And maybe respond to a couple comments. and (an hour later) crap. close the laptop… Rob caught me once and helped pull be back from the brink (thanks, Rob 😉 ) but still, 2 days in 30 where I spent time online at home, that’s not bad at all.
So, after the 30 day bet was up (on Dec. 12), I find that I’m spending some time online at home, mostly in moderation. I’m less likely to leave the laptop crunching RSS feeds 24/7 so it’s ready when I want to check in (although lately I’ve been guilty of falling into old patterns – must work on that – things like the New Year’s Eve Field Trip definitely help). I’m down to maybe an hour or 2 per day – some days less.
It’s not quite to the level of requiring a support group, but it’s also not completely in check. I think, in the larger scheme of things, there are far, far worse things to be addicted to, though. And, is it really any worse “checking in” as opposed to, say, watching Survivor or something? I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, but one of the things I’m going to be trying to do is reduce/manage my online time so I’m more focussed and less distracted at home. I’ll be trying to work out a more efficient “burst mode checkin” so I can still check my 495 496 feeds without losing the benefits of triangulating from multiple primary sources.
I just realized that I never provided a “final” update for the little “unplugging at home” experiment/bet – where Janice dared me to go a month without being online at home.
Well, it actually went pretty well. Overall, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be – initially, it was quite hard (withdrawal, shakes, bugs beneath my skin – well, no bugs, but you get the point) and then it was just… gone.
I did slip. Twice. When I was trying to do a bit of work from home. I finished up, and thought “hey, while I’ve got the laptop fired up, I’ll just check my email. And maybe just a few feeds. And maybe Flickr. And maybe respond to a couple comments. and (an hour later) crap. close the laptop… Rob caught me once and helped pull be back from the brink (thanks, Rob 😉 ) but still, 2 days in 30 where I spent time online at home, that’s not bad at all.
So, after the 30 day bet was up (on Dec. 12), I find that I’m spending some time online at home, mostly in moderation. I’m less likely to leave the laptop crunching RSS feeds 24/7 so it’s ready when I want to check in (although lately I’ve been guilty of falling into old patterns – must work on that – things like the New Year’s Eve Field Trip definitely help). I’m down to maybe an hour or 2 per day – some days less.
It’s not quite to the level of requiring a support group, but it’s also not completely in check. I think, in the larger scheme of things, there are far, far worse things to be addicted to, though. And, is it really any worse “checking in” as opposed to, say, watching Survivor or something? I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, but one of the things I’m going to be trying to do is reduce/manage my online time so I’m more focussed and less distracted at home. I’ll be trying to work out a more efficient “burst mode checkin” so I can still check my 495 496 feeds without losing the benefits of triangulating from multiple primary sources.
I’m packing it in until the new year, so officially signing off (yeah, right) for a little while. I hope everyone has a great [INSERT REASON HERE] holiday season!
It’s been a big year for me. Lots of ups and downs, but I think I came out of this one ahead. Trying not to make a self-absorbed self-congratulatory post, but wanted to document some of the highlights. I usually forget the lowlights as part of my coping mechanism…
Big events for me this year (rough chronological order):
- Moved blog to my own domain at darcynorman.net
- Northern Voice 2005 (posts from the conference)
- Fun with podcasting
- Fun with tagging/folksonomies
- “launch” of weblogs.ucalgary.ca
- “launch” of wiki.ucalgary.ca
- Pachyderm development (including the weeklong Summit of Geeks at Sonoma State University)
- Museums and the Web 2005 Conference in Vancouver notes
- WWDC 2005 in San Francisco
- NMC 2005 Summer Conference in Honolulu (and family vacation)
- ADCE and PlanetADCE
- Enjoying some miniscule local celebrity with the TV and press appearances
- Dad’s 70th birthday
- Mom’s 65th birthday
- Workshops on campus on blogging and wiki
- Pachyderm 2.0 release
- Mavericks almost-release
- Starting to see this whole “Web 2.0” and “Semantic Web” stuff start to come together
- Winning an EduBlogger award for darcynorman.net
- Realizing that I’ve taken the leap to make the blog an integral part of what I do (~20,000 words written per month, professional + personal, etc…)
One thing that struck me as I crawled through this year’s posts, is how fast things are happening. I was remembering things as happening months ago, when they were actually very recent. Things like the Peak Oil posts – it feels like I blogged it a long time ago, when it was only a month ago!
Things I plan/hope to do in the next year (not new year’s resolutions, just a basic guideline):
- Spend more time with the family – without the damned computer mining RSS feeds in the background
- Become a better photographer. Maybe/hopefully pick up a real camera. Maybe take a course or something…
- Restart my Master’s program. Get any last coursework out of the way, and finally pick a damned thesis topic.
- Do more writing. Not just blog posts, but more carefully constructed articles etc…
- Actually spend some time playing with cool new stuff. Ruby on Rails, ferinstance.
- Spend more time working with faculty etc. – workshops, presentations, etc…
- Spend more time in Open Source land, perhaps hacking Drupal or WordPress, or Moodle, or our own LC code, etc…
- Breathe. Don’t let this crap bother me so much 🙂
I’m packing it in until the new year, so officially signing off (yeah, right) for a little while. I hope everyone has a great [INSERT REASON HERE] holiday season!
It’s been a big year for me. Lots of ups and downs, but I think I came out of this one ahead. Trying not to make a self-absorbed self-congratulatory post, but wanted to document some of the highlights. I usually forget the lowlights as part of my coping mechanism…
Big events for me this year (rough chronological order):
- Moved blog to my own domain at darcynorman.net
- Northern Voice 2005 (posts from the conference)
- Fun with podcasting
- Fun with tagging/folksonomies
- “launch” of weblogs.ucalgary.ca
- “launch” of wiki.ucalgary.ca
- Pachyderm development (including the weeklong Summit of Geeks at Sonoma State University)
- Museums and the Web 2005 Conference in Vancouver notes
- WWDC 2005 in San Francisco
- NMC 2005 Summer Conference in Honolulu (and family vacation)
- ADCE and PlanetADCE
- Enjoying some miniscule local celebrity with the TV and press appearances
- Dad’s 70th birthday
- Mom’s 65th birthday
- Workshops on campus on blogging and wiki
- Pachyderm 2.0 release
- Mavericks almost-release
- Starting to see this whole “Web 2.0” and “Semantic Web” stuff start to come together
- Winning an EduBlogger award for darcynorman.net
- Realizing that I’ve taken the leap to make the blog an integral part of what I do (~20,000 words written per month, professional + personal, etc…)
One thing that struck me as I crawled through this year’s posts, is how fast things are happening. I was remembering things as happening months ago, when they were actually very recent. Things like the Peak Oil posts – it feels like I blogged it a long time ago, when it was only a month ago!
Things I plan/hope to do in the next year (not new year’s resolutions, just a basic guideline):
- Spend more time with the family – without the damned computer mining RSS feeds in the background
- Become a better photographer. Maybe/hopefully pick up a real camera. Maybe take a course or something…
- Restart my Master’s program. Get any last coursework out of the way, and finally pick a damned thesis topic.
- Do more writing. Not just blog posts, but more carefully constructed articles etc…
- Actually spend some time playing with cool new stuff. Ruby on Rails, ferinstance.
- Spend more time working with faculty etc. – workshops, presentations, etc…
- Spend more time in Open Source land, perhaps hacking Drupal or WordPress, or Moodle, or our own LC code, etc…
- Breathe. Don’t let this crap bother me so much 🙂
My son had a speech therapy session yesterday, and we were all thinking things were going pretty well. He’s been doing so well that I didn’t even take time off work to go to the session (I have been to almost every other session). Then, I get a phone call at work from my wife, and something’s not right. Hard to make out what she’s saying on the phone, and then I recognize a few words. Autism. Asperger’s Syndrome. The therapist says she saw some signs that were pointing to a possible case of Asperger’s Syndrome, and that she’d like to refer us to the Children’s Hospital for a full assessment and possible diagnosis.
I go a bit numb. Then, I go the rest of the way. I leave as soon as I’m able, and when I get home we’ve all had some time to think about it. We’re alternating between being completely OK with the possibility of it – we know we can handle it, and he’s such an intelligent and sociable boy that even if it is true he’ll be able to function normally. Then, we start thinking about the stigma. Even if he’s able to function 100% normally, he’ll have a Label attached to him. If he’s diagnosed, there will be Programs. Specialists. He won’t be Normal. That’s when it hits – there is a chance that his childhood could really suck if this label and associated stigma is applied to him. How will he cope with being Different? Should he have to?
Then, I do what a good geek does. Hits the Wikipedia (autism, asperger’s syndrome) and Google (1, 2, 3, 4).
I grew up with a mild case of epilepsy – I was just different enough to feel that I didn’t fit in (medications, doctors, occasional seizures) but normal enough to do everything that my friends did. There was a bit of a stigma (“epilepsy? isn’t that when there’s something wrong with your brain?”) but nothing anywhere close to what’s associated with autism. As irrational as it is, I kept seeing Corky Thatcher (I know, he had Down’s Syndrome – my own irrational fear and association).
The irony is that a diagnosis would help explain a lot – he’s been a much more challenging boy than any of his friends or cousins ever have been, right from day 1. In a sense, there would be a bit of relief – it’s not something we’ve done wrong, but a bona fide medical condition. But then I start wondering if I brought it down on him. Feelings of guilt (rational or otherwise) and fear.
Regardless, he hasn’t been diagnosed – we’ll be having some assessment sessions in the new year – and he seems so completely normal that I have trouble picturing this possibility as being anything other than a drastic mistake by his speech therapist. She’s not a doctor, and is not an expert in autism, so she may not be on the mark.
And this is not a plea for sympathy – none is needed (and please don’t offer any). I am (yet again) simply using my blog to help me structure my own thoughts.
My son had a speech therapy session yesterday, and we were all thinking things were going pretty well. He’s been doing so well that I didn’t even take time off work to go to the session (I have been to almost every other session). Then, I get a phone call at work from my wife, and something’s not right. Hard to make out what she’s saying on the phone, and then I recognize a few words. Autism. Asperger’s Syndrome. The therapist says she saw some signs that were pointing to a possible case of Asperger’s Syndrome, and that she’d like to refer us to the Children’s Hospital for a full assessment and possible diagnosis.
I go a bit numb. Then, I go the rest of the way. I leave as soon as I’m able, and when I get home we’ve all had some time to think about it. We’re alternating between being completely OK with the possibility of it – we know we can handle it, and he’s such an intelligent and sociable boy that even if it is true he’ll be able to function normally. Then, we start thinking about the stigma. Even if he’s able to function 100% normally, he’ll have a Label attached to him. If he’s diagnosed, there will be Programs. Specialists. He won’t be Normal. That’s when it hits – there is a chance that his childhood could really suck if this label and associated stigma is applied to him. How will he cope with being Different? Should he have to?
Then, I do what a good geek does. Hits the Wikipedia (autism, asperger’s syndrome) and Google (1, 2, 3, 4).
I grew up with a mild case of epilepsy – I was just different enough to feel that I didn’t fit in (medications, doctors, occasional seizures) but normal enough to do everything that my friends did. There was a bit of a stigma (“epilepsy? isn’t that when there’s something wrong with your brain?”) but nothing anywhere close to what’s associated with autism. As irrational as it is, I kept seeing Corky Thatcher (I know, he had Down’s Syndrome – my own irrational fear and association).
The irony is that a diagnosis would help explain a lot – he’s been a much more challenging boy than any of his friends or cousins ever have been, right from day 1. In a sense, there would be a bit of relief – it’s not something we’ve done wrong, but a bona fide medical condition. But then I start wondering if I brought it down on him. Feelings of guilt (rational or otherwise) and fear.
Regardless, he hasn’t been diagnosed – we’ll be having some assessment sessions in the new year – and he seems so completely normal that I have trouble picturing this possibility as being anything other than a drastic mistake by his speech therapist. She’s not a doctor, and is not an expert in autism, so she may not be on the mark.
And this is not a plea for sympathy – none is needed (and please don’t offer any). I am (yet again) simply using my blog to help me structure my own thoughts.